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My Sweet Sleepy Son’s Sloppy Drunk Behavior

September 4, 2013

My son will only be five in November.  That means I have quite a few years before I can see what he’s like should he become inebriated.    However, I am occasionally treated to a sneak preview of what his drunken escapades are surely to entail.

His normal overtired behavior is like most kids: whiny, miserable, combative and all around rage-inducing.  It’s on these nights I find myself wondering how we survived as a species…I mean, I just can’t see cavemen, on the hunt, not leaving their whiny kids behind to hold off some fearsome beast because, you know, tantrums!

On some nights though, when he’s had more than he can handle, his behavior is…different.  It can only be described as being completely and unequivocally…”shit-faced.”  Like a college freshman at their first house party, just totally crushed.

He looks drunk: He stumbles.  He drops things.  He hurts himself in the most unlikeliest of scenarios, such as standing completely still.

He claims he can’t move, that his legs don’t work, that he doesn’t know anything.  Asking him a question often results in a blank stare, followed by silence, and eventually, when you think the gerbil in his skull has passed out he says “what?”

He gets weird ideas that cause scenarios like this one to play out.  I blew a raspberry on the babies neck.  He looked at me like I had taken a bite from her arm.  He exclaimed: “DADDY!  Don’t Do that to my sister!  That’s NOT NICE!!!!”  While holding on to a laugh like it was a greased pig in the championship round I managed to ask “What are you mad about?”  He just ran from the room.

Fast forward 5 minutes, the baby is in her crib and I am holding his other sister.  I absent mindedly blow a raspberry on her neck.  I was once again scolded to “not do that to my sisters!!!!” and he once again left the room.  That is when I hear him complaining to my wife about how I was being mean to “his” sisters.  No amount of explanation was getting through to his intoxicated brain.  We gave up.  He didn’t.  Even as I tucked him in to bed, I was once again scolded: “Daddy, do not do that to my sisters again!”  The pig got away.  Thankfully I made it from the room before that greasy laughter slipped out.

Lastly, from somewhere deep down some liquid hot emotions well up like a volcano.  His face contorts into the sweetest and most pathetic look of sorrow, and unsure what to do with all this emotion, he directs it outwards…with love.  Through near sobs: “I miss mommy!  I love her <sob> so much.  Boo Hoo!” (PS, he really says Boo Hoo).  He sees Mommy, walks up to her, shoulders slumped, face sorrowful: “Mommy!  <sob> I miss you!” <buries his face in her stomach, arms around her legs, lets out a few more sobs> “I love you so much.  I love you mommy!” <a few more sobs to round it all out>

The target shifts.  It’s been me, mommy, Kaylee and Sarah, and the grandmas.  The love outbursts happen multiple times during his drunken stupor.  Its all incredibly sweet and charmingly hilarious.

So, as far as I can tell, the only differences between this sleepy drunkenness and real intoxication are 1) Instead of saying “I’m so drunk” after telling everyone he loves them he says “I’m so tired.” and 2) No hangover.

So, that’s my sweet sleepy son’s drunken behavior.  Its cute.  Its funny.  Do your kids exhibit any unique behaviors when overtired?

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